Losing My Balance Ch. 05

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Dear Readers, I definitely suggest reading the other installments before this, or it won’t make much sense! Thanks for waiting so patiently and sorry this took so long to get out- writer’s block is a real thing, apparently. Hope you all enjoy, and please send any feedback/comments/constructive criticism that you may have, I truly enjoy it! And thanks to Azure_skies and Dani who took the time to help me revise/edit!


From Irri’s Eyes:

I didn’t really get a chance to see Bee the past couple of weeks. We had both been busy with work and other commitments, so besides the occasional texts (which were mostly funny memes or checking in) we didn’t really talk. And we definitely did not talk about what happened. I think Bee knew how serious I felt about the situation. And if she didn’t, I would sure as hell remind her. Now, before you get the wrong idea, I was NOT avoiding Bee! I just… had some events that I couldn’t get out of. And, I was trying to focus my energy into thinking about kissing the girl I kissed before Bee…

Therefore, it just made sense not to see her for a while. It helped me forget about what happened on the porch. Though goddamn, I could not walk past my porch without feeling a jolt. I can’t believe what happened on it. Looking back, it seems absolutely insane, that me and my best friend kissed on that porch. Made out on that porch! Anyway, I think the distance was important for us. I’m a firm believer that if you’re not getting closer to someone you’re mutually attracted to, then you’re probably getting distant from them. Therefore this distance was necessary for maintaining our friendship. And at this point, there’s no denying that I’m a little bit attracted to her. Okay. A lot! She’s fucking beautiful! But that was just it. It’s just an attraction.

As you can tell, I put a bit of thought into that plan. And while I can’t just forget about a kiss that felt like nothing I’d had before… maybe I could just concentrate on the kiss and forget about that person as a viable option for future kissing… Either way, it took up all of my thinking space that wasn’t about work. So, I resorted to stalking my best friend on social media. Healthy, right?

On a different level, I really did just miss my best friend. It felt kind of like a break up in the sense that when you’re going through a bunch of feelings you want to talk to one of the closest people to you but in this case, she was the one who I was trying to stop thinking about so I had to miss her and separate myself from her at the same time. Again, I’m just full of healthy friendship/relationship habits nowadays.

Anyway, it was now the weekend! Albeit, a rainy Saturday… but I happen to love rainy days because it means two things, sweaters and hot drinks. It always makes me want to hole up, get cozy, and spend time with good people. However, while hanging out with Bee one on one would be my automatic reaction, it didn’t fit with the whole strategy I was going for. Instead, I invited a few friends from college over. Bee seemed happy at the idea as well. She was probably worried it would be awkward between us. We wanted to throw it back: get some good liquor, good food, and play some old drinking games. I know, I know, we aren’t in college anymore, but sometimes you want to get back to those simpler, straight forward times (pun intended).

I also told everyone they could crash at my place. My friends were all game because it meant no drinking and driving. In reality, it was kind of selfish of me. I knew that Bee would probably have spent the night and this created a buffer to that. This was my foolproof against potential awkward interactions having to do with me, her, and my bed.

I was also glad that none of my friends knew what was going on (about Bee and my sexuality). Well, one of my other closest friends aside from Bee knew. Her name is Nisha and we met in some classes that overlapped. Naturally, being the same majors and interested in the same things led to a close friendship.

She was the perfect option to talk to about this. While she and Bee were also friends, she and I were closer. Nisha was also the master of being discreet and keeping secrets. She and her current girlfriend actually met in school but her girlfriend was her TA! With that, she definitely understood being discreet about sensitive matters. Too bad Arie was busy tonight, they’re the kind of couple who make you optimistic about love. Bah humbug.

Anyway, the other people coming over are all good people. One guy is named Lee, who we met through a few other mutual friends. And finally, was one of Bee’s good friends named Jin. Ironically, the only straight person in our group now considering me. Jin and Bee had taken a lot of classes together and he fell into our group comfortably. It was pretty funny the way he and I met! Bee tried to set us up on a blind date, but he and I were just too damn goofy together and ended up shit talking Bee (with lots of love of course!) He was the perfect casino şirketleri partner in crime to tease Bee!


From Bee’s Eyes:

Irri and I were inviting some of our close friends from school over to her place. I was excited to see them all but also the tiny bit annoyed that I wouldn’t be seeing Irri on my own. Go ahead, call me selfish! Can’t a girl just want to see her best friend and maybe seduce her? These couple of weeks had felt like centuries. And I knew she was trying to keep me at a distance. I didn’t like it one bit.

However, I had to let the distance happen to make her feel better: lull her into a false sense of security (insert evil laugh here). But the distance made me realize that while yes of course I was physically attracted to her, it ran deeper. She was my best friend, and regardless of how it was before, there were automatically feelings involved. I figured once I saw her in person, she wouldn’t be able to squash the chemistry we discovered between us. That spark could light up a whole city.

That’s why I insisted on helping her get ready for tonight. Irri tried her best to squirm out of it, but all I had to do was to remind her she would be doing it by herself in the rain. Also, I added the incentive of hitting up our favorite restaurant for lunch! Nothing like setting the right bait. Besides, I knew we both missed each other on the purely best friend level. It’s hard for us to go days with just short daily checking in conversations.

What she didn’t know was that I didn’t plan on letting go so easily. Before you can break the rules, sometimes you have to bend them and flex them first. See how far they will go before they snap.


First off, before I get into anything, damn did she look good. It wasn’t even her cute comfy cold weather clothes. Her hair was left down for the party tonight, and the red highlights seemed to make her eyes radiate. I felt a warmth spread through me: as much as I said I missed her, the actual extent hit me when I saw her. And that crooked grin.

The car ride over to the grocery store was a bit of catching up and a lot of singing to some of our favorite songs. Irri’s singing never failed to make me smile. It felt good to be with her again, to say the least.

More than good actually, there was this undercurrent of energy. I mean, Irri and I kissed. This created a different frequency in our relationship, even if Irri wouldn’t tune into it. The thing is, that frequency was still there even if we didn’t use it. For example, if I leaned over and kissed her right now… even though I know I shouldn’t, I would know that some part of her wants it. I can sense it from her too even though she tries to hide it. It’s the smiles that are a little too big and the way she moves to make sure we don’t touch, as if touching me would burn her.

Once getting to the grocery store, we walked through the freezer aisle side by side, casually talking about the festivities. I was telling her how my friend Jin was broken up with recently and we were going through break up pain relief methods.

“Hmmm. What kind of girl should Jin rebound with?” I grinned at Irri.

“Someone hot. They always say you gotta get under someone to get over someone!” Irri laughed.

I couldn’t help what slipped out next, “So who did you get under to get over me?”

For a second there was silence. I was even surprised at myself!

Irri froze, her cheeks burned and then she narrowed her eyes, “I thought we agreed to stop all of that stuff!”

I shrugged and then turned to her, “Come on, do you really think we could just pretend like nothing happened?” I smirked and raised my eyebrows, “You know way better than to pretend that it actually works like that.”

Irri sighed, and dropped her gaze, “I know, but I thought it would help!”

I grinned and stepped a little closer to her, letting my hand rest on her shoulder, “Looks like we just gotta laugh our way through this one… Unless you’ve reconsidered?” I looked at her hopefully, wiggling my eyebrows.

“Real funny Bee. Real funny!” Irri shook her head, shrugged off my hand and mock glared at me. She then stalked off, leaving me and the heavy cart of supplies behind.

Irri only turned back to motion to the cart and tell me, “Well come on, we have work to do Casanova!” And the only responses I had were a grin that I couldn’t keep off my face and watching her hips and ass as she strutted away. Oh God, I really am in trouble.


From Irri’s Eyes:

From the moment I saw Bee again, there was a furnace in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t turn off.

Friend wise, of course it felt great to catch up with her. I’m used to seeing her more often and just talking about stupid shit.

But on the non-platonic level, I had to make an effort to be careful with her. I tried to limit contact and avoid touching whenever possible which seemed to balance out since she initiated contact whenever possible. casino firmaları It took all the self-control I had to avoid leaning up and kissing the hell out of her… which is the exact kind of thought that I’ve been trying to stifle the past few weeks and during this trip.

By the time lunch came around and we had made all of our pit stops, I was exhausted.

Exhausted from all the lifting as well as the self-control.

But, that was just the beginning of the self-control that was needed, little did I know.

Even while the waiter was around, waiting for us to order our food, Bee couldn’t contain herself with the innuendos, whether it was what food “to eat” or how she wanted dessert. I wanted to roll my eyes and kick her in the shin at the same time.

She even seemed to think it was okay by grinning at me afterward. Even if it was a cute grin.

Bee thinks that if she just pushes and pushes, that things will go her way. I’ve already asked her countless times. She may be taller than me but she’s closer to being a kid. It’s like she doesn’t think of the consequences at all. For example, what if I do give in? Honestly, she needs to think more about repercussions. This was our friendship for fuck’s sake.

On top of that, Bee sat as close as she could to me, despite me trying to create distance. It was in a booth, and it felt like all of her little touches were on purpose. Between her brushing my leg when reaching for something or press her shoulder to mine, it simultaneously made me hot and angry. All I knew was that the feel of her skin against mine made me think back to that night, when our bodies touched and how I could feel her hot flushed skin against mine.

I even started to notice that Bee would sometimes smirk after she “accidentally” touched me. How did I end up with such an asshole for a best friend?

You can be sure as hell that it pissed me off.

Where does Bee come off, thinking she can play games with me?

She knows how I feel about all of this shit, so why couldn’t she let it go? It was just like Bee, to test these limits and see what she could get away with without a care in the world.

Well, this was the limit for me. And if I don’t do anything about it now then she’ll just keep on getting bolder and bolder.

I won’t deny… that a small part of me wants that. I want to just say fuck what I said before, let’s see where this road leads. But, the rational side knows it’s a terrible idea. Probably the worst I’ve ever had.

How could she possibly think this is worth our friendship?

Obviously, talking about her didn’t work and the distance didn’t work either. I guess I’ll have to resort to a plan of action, something to get the point across. I just had to figure out a way of doing that, which could effectively push her away without me wanting to pull her back. Maybe tonight… I think I know how I’ll do it.


From Bee’s Eyes:

I know, I shouldn’t have pushed quite so hard. It wasn’t like I was saying come kiss me or anything! At least not verbally. It’s just, at first I wanted to rev Irri up a little bit, but then the proximity for me was intoxicating, and I couldn’t resist touching her when she was so close to me.

After lunch, Irri was pretty quiet. I could tell that I had caused one of her moods, and was a little scared of the storm brewing beneath her quiet. Hopefully hanging out with our friends will make her forget that she’s a bit mad at me. But hey, that means that she still feels something!

Luckily, once we got back to her place, I was able to give her some space. Irri started to clean up some of her kitchen and bathroom for everyone to use, and I started to organize the liquor. We were quiet, but we had music playing in the background to fill up the silence and to help let the elephant in the room dance a bit. I hoped the time would let her cool off a bit. I like to call this side of her the grumpy Ewok.


Everyone arrived around the same time. Music was played, food was eaten and immaturity commenced. (And drinks were drunk. Meaning we all got drunk.) Adulting is hard work! This was our time to take a load off and just relax.

But there was something nagging at my relaxation.

This was the way Irri was talking to Jin. Jin, the only straight guy here, who was now single. Jin, the guy that Irri had never shown ANY interest in prior to this. But now, she was sitting near him, nudging him, and flirting blatantly. Right in front of me. What the fuck was she playing at? Lee and Nisha didn’t seem perturbed by it in the slightest. They were just laughing their asses off and not even paying attention to what was going on!

I tried to catch Irri’s eye a few times so that I could ask her what was going on. But she was purposefully avoiding eye contact with me, apparently still in grumpy Ewok mood. I should have talked to Jin about this beforehand. He always used to say Irri and I would have made a great couple if she swung güvenilir casino the other way. And I always shrugged it off, calling her my platonic soulmate.

It had never clicked before, but now, I hate to say it… but I was fucking jealous of that guy. Irri was doing that thing that guys love, resting her hand on his chest by his collarbone every once in a while to either push him away or make a point. Straight guys eat that shit up. Actually… I like it too, but that’s beside the point! And there I sat, trying to halfheartedly engage with Nisha and with Lee while they recalled some crazy college memories.

Luckily, not everyone was as observant as Irri and thus did not notice how I was handling this. I managed to rope enough of the conversation to suggest one of our favorite games. It was a foolproof plan to get Irri to engage less with Jin and more with everybody else here.

All thanks to drunk Jenga!

If you haven’t played Jenga before, you have wooden blocks of the same size that make a tower, and you’re supposed to take a piece out and put it at the top of the tower in the same pattern as below. As the game goes on, the tower gets more and more unbalanced, until someone pulls out a piece that topples the tower. It’s great for most people because there’s only one person who loses: the person who pulls out the piece that topples the tower. (I hope Jin’s the loser. Shh, I am not being vindictive!) Not to mention, as you drink the harder it gets. If that wasn’t clear enough, google it!

Drunk Jenga added a twist to the game. You still do everything of the game the same, but written on the wooden blocks, are different dares. Thus, when you pull out a block, you have to do the dare on it before going on with the game. Our dares were pretty funny considering we wrote them back in college while drunk. They ranged from gross things, to drinking more, to embarrassing things, and of course some dirty things!

The first draw was by Lee. He easily took out a block and placed it on the top of the tower. Unluckily, he had to do something gross. He had to drink a concoction made from random ingredients from the fridge. I did not envy that cocktail of ketchup, Tabasco sauce, orange juice, and a dash of tequila.

Nisha was next; she drew her piece out and placed it next to Lee’s.

Grinning, she announced her card, “I have to pick a drinking buddy! Every time I drink, they have to drink with me.”

We all groaned and Irri pouted, “It’s not fair! You have a way higher tolerance than some of us light weights…”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh grumpy one, you can handle your liquor pretty well. Stop trying to lawyer your way out of this!”

She glared at me in response. Jin, the idiot, backed her up. “That’s true! Not everyone has as high of a drinking tolerance as you.”

I wanted to roll my eyes so badly again, but instead I shrugged, “Well if you can’t keep up Jin, that isn’t my fault!”

Fuck it. I turned to Nisha.

“I volunteer as tribute, Nisha!” I smirked, “If some people,” I eyed Jin and Irri, “Can’t keep up, I’m sure as hell not going to wait.”

Nisha laughed and raised her glass of whiskey and coke to my beer, “Cheers to that!” And we drank.

Irri noticeably avoided my eye contact again after that, her cheeks flamed a nice shade of pink. I noticed she was biting her lip as well, every once in a while my eyes would drift down to her lips. I hope she caught my double meaning. I think I had figured her out. She was using Jin to push me away.

Before, I had just been too jealous to even see past her tricks. Rather, I just saw her trying to get closer to him. I also knew that Jin would be trying to sleep with anyone at this point to try and get over his ex.

Earlier at lunch, I made her mad. I also knew that she wouldn’t have been mad if she didn’t feel something, as much as she tried to pretend that she didn’t. And, if she was honestly interested in Jin, she wouldn’t be avoiding and ignoring me like this. That sly motherfucker.

Who knew alcohol could help me see things clearer? Fuck beer goggles.

I tried not to grin now while I watched them, and the green monster in the pit of my stomach went back to sleep.

Next, it was Irri’s turn to draw. She picked one which called for the guys to take a shot, meaning Jin and Lee.

They both made it into a competition of taking a shot without a chaser, I wanted to cringe. While I could handle my liquor, I was a little bit of a wimp when it came to that.

Jin went next to draw a piece and balance it on top of the Jenga tower. Just when I had been feeling good about things, the green monster woke up and wasn’t happy at all.

Jin had picked a piece which called for him to kiss someone.

Back in college, we had made it for one of our friends who had a thing for someone else playing the game. Since we usually played with platonic friends, this piece wasn’t exactly the best one. I felt an upwelling of annoyance. I knew who he was going to pick.

He looked around the room grinning, “Well, hmmm. Nisha is taken, and I definitely do not want to piss off Arie! Lee and Bee, hey that rhymes! Lee and Bee are my bros… So, I guess that leaves you.”

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